Some children are born taking life seriously from the start, and your child may be one of them. He is sensitive to his own feelings and reactions to what is going on around him and sensitive to other people as well.
He is especially sensitive to your response to his sadness, because he looks to you for guidance about how to deal with his emotions. Are you worried because he worries? He may conclude that there is something wrong with worrying. Are you sad because he is often sad? He may figure out that sad feelings are overwhelming to everyone. Are you eager to “cheer him up”? He may be learning that sad feelings are wrong and must be changed.
The point is that children and adults experience many different types of feelings all the time—including sad and worried feelings. Yet feelings are constantly changing. Sad and painful feelings never last, no matter how awful they feel. This simple idea: “you are not going to be stuck feeling this way” is both reassuring and encouraging. A compassionate way to express this to a child is, “I’m sorry you are feeling sad, and I hope that you feel better again pretty soon.”
Another important idea for children to learn about their feelings is that there are things they can do to help themselves change their feelings. No one can really “cheer up” your son if he doesn’t want to be cheered up, but if and when he is ready, he can find ways to cheer himself up. Movement is helpful for some children—playing vigorously, or rhythmic rocking or dancing. Some children and adults feel better when they get into the water—a shower, bubble bath, or the local pool. Listening to music or reading favorite stories can be helpful. And doing something useful is almost always encouraging—because something that benefits others directly contradicts the feeling that “I’m no good.”
Helping your child learn and practice the skills to create his own contentment is the most important thing you can do to help him with his discontentment. In the process, you will also be reducing his sense of dependency upon you and others to make him feel okay.
This is important, because the root of feeling sad and miserable is usually a sense that “I’m not okay as I am.” “Nobody likes me” because I’m not okay. “I can’t do anything right” because I’m not okay. “It’s no use for me to try” because I’m not okay. Perhaps your son brings his troubles to you because he needs to hear you say, over and over again, “it’s okay, you’re okay, it will be okay, etc.” The more you say it, the more he needs to hear it but the less it seems to help.
This isn’t working for your son, because he needs to believe “I’m okay” for himself. Here again, you can help him by focusing more on what he can do and what he does. Did he go to school today even though he didn’t want to? “It takes a pretty strong kid to do what he needs to do, even though he doesn’t want to.” Did he cry after he made a mistake? “I appreciate a boy like you who cares so much about his work. And I noticed that you are willing to try again after you make a mistake.” Is he taking a chance trying a scout troop or a karate class? “It looks like you are the kind of boy who can try something new, even when he is afraid it won’t work—that’s what I call real courage.”
Sad children don’t need to be cheered up or reassured that they are okay—they need the skills to create their own good cheer and their own sense of well-being. I am confident that the ideas I’ve shared here will help your son. If your son’s sadness and despair continue or worsen, consult with your pediatrician, school counselor or a family therapist for more ideas about how to encourage your son.
