After rushing to finish her work early, Marta arrives with her son at the pediatrician’s office for his four-year-old checkup. Checking in with the receptionist, she learns that the doctor is running late, and that they will have to wait another 30 minutes. “At least,” Marta thinks to herself, “there is lots of kid stuff here to keep Tomas entertained.”
After a few minutes of looking at the toys, Tomas complains that his is bored and he wants to go–now.
“No, we can’t”
“I don’t wanna stay here, Mami. Wanna go now, Mami, now!” Tomas begins a petulant sing-song.
“Stop it!” Marta replies, a bit more sharply. “You’re talking like a baby. Go play with the toys over there!”
“Wanna go now, Mami…wanna go now, Mami…” Tomas continues to drone, making his voice even more irritating.
“Stop whining!” Marta repeats again impatiently. She then tries to distract her son by showing him one of the children’s books. This seems to work for a few minutes, until Tomas begins to complain again.
“The book is dumb, Mami, I wanna go…I wanna go…”
The buzz of a mosquito, the screech of a power drill, the scratch of fingernails on a chalkboard—parents compare their children’s whining to the most annoying sounds ever heard. No wonder mothers and fathers feel so irritated when their children are whiny, and are willing to try so hard to get their children to…just…stop…whining!!!
As annoying as a child’s whining is, not all whining is equal. Sometimes young children are genuinely fretful or uncomfortable because they are very tired, feeling sick, or may be frightened. At times like these, it is normal for children to ask for soothing and comfort in a more baby-like way than usual. This type of whining doesn’t happen very often, though, and it can end quickly with some well placed cuddles and kisses.
Truly troublesome whining is different, though. This is the type of exaggerated and irritating complaining that a child uses to create a show of phony distress and gain the parent’s attention. Whining, like all misbehavior, serves a purpose. The whiny child is exaggerating, creating more drama and intensity by using an extra-cranky and disagreeable voice that cannot be ignored. A child may whine about a problem, but the whining itself is a not for the purpose of solving the problem. The only purpose accomplished through whining is to annoy the parent and keep the mother or father busy attending to the child.
Therein lays the solution to ending the problem of whining in your family. Make it your family policy not to grant any usually request when it is asked for with a whiny voice. One clever mother always pretended to be deaf when her children talk with a whiny voice, tapping her ears dramatically and wondering out loud if there was a magic spell making it hard for her to hear! Her children respond first with surprise and then with giggles. Limits on whining can be upheld in fun ways, as well as firm ones.
“Whining Doesn’t Work” is a practical family policy, and an effective way to discourage whining in your home. It works well when children are taught how to appropriately ask for what they want, and courteous ways to complain about something they don’t like. These are lessons your children will enjoy learning, especially when you teach them in a playful manner.
Four-year-olds love drama and are captivated by theatrical demonstrations of courtesy and respect. You might instruct your child in “royal etiquette,” by saying, “Princess Daisy, when you ask the royal King for his help, you must do it politely. Such as, ‘Father dear, would you grant me the favor of your assistance?’” The flourish of curtseys and bows adds to the fun of these lessons.
Children can also be taught how to complain courteously. “Cowboy Zachary, you better talk real nice to the cook, or else she might just quit the cattle drive! How ‘bout sayin’, ‘Pardon me, Ma’am! But I’d sure appreciate it if you made my pancakes bigger, please.’”
Of course there will always be times when a fretful child doesn’t want to be cheered into politeness, or playfully encouraged to be courteous. Even so, an unhappy child can be offered the choice of winning your attention in useful, rather than useless ways.
“Tomas, I need your help. Next Sunday is your grandmother’s birthday, and I want to make her a special dinner. But I can’t remember what kind of cake is her favorite? And what kind of ice-cream does she like? Can you give me your advice?”
Finally, every child must learn how to face small irritations and big problems in life. Whining about problems is often a young child’s approach to dissatisfaction and discomfort. But in the long run, children need to discover that they have the strength and resilience to deal with tough situations and hard times. Every child, even an unhappy child who has something to whine about, can be encouraged to remember that they have what it takes to face their problems courageously:
“Yes, Tomas, it is hard to wait when you want to go home. But I remember other hard things you have done, too. I guess that a boy who could learn how to put his face in the water and blow bubbles this summer is a boy who can learn how to wait even when he doesn’t want to wait…What do you think?”
Tips for Minimizing Whining:
- Adopt a “Whining Doesn’t Work” policy for your family. When whiney requests or complaints do not fit the needs of the situation, do not comply. And ask your child if they would like to try again without whining.
- Teach a child how to make their requests or their complaints appropriately, and have fun with playful demonstrations of courtesy.
- It’s natural to want to complain right back to a whiny child, but listen to your own tone of voice—be careful not to whine about how much you dislike listening to whining.
- Remember that every child can eventually learn to face difficulties and discomfort with patience and fortitude. Whiny children respond better to encouragement than pity or complaints.
