People who spend much time around kids soon realize that children are not naturally altruistic. It seems to be part of nature’s plan that children start off in life being pretty darn greedy and self-centered. From the toddler on Mom’s lap who swipes a bite from her ice cream cone, to the 14 year old who nonchalantly ambles off into the house while Dad starts to unload 8 bags of groceries, all children can be blissfully self-centered. It’s as if children approach life with the presumption of “I want it, so give it to me now” and continue on to an assumption that “it would be crazy for me to actually be looking for more work to do!”
Children’s normal self-centered tendencies are even more pronounced during the holiday season, when our entire culture celebrates a consumeristic feeding frenzy. Glossy toy catalogues, TV commercials, newspaper inserts, and more come pouring in to tempt children with new delights they hadn’t yet dreamed of. As you’ll notice when your child presents you with their 10 page wish-list, the hyper-commercialism of the season only magnifies children’s innate sense of entitlement.
With both nature and culture programming children to keep asking the question, “what’s in it for me and how soon can I get it?” what influence do parents have over their children’s values? How can parents shift their children’s focus from “me, me, me” to everyone else?
The miracle is that we all started off as self-centered kids ourselves, and yet so many of us have grown up to become rather nice people who are often very generous. How this transformation occurred may seem like a real mystery. What could possibly have induced us to grow from rapt self-absorption to even being capable of unselfishness and generosity?
First, it helps to know that all children gradually develop the ability to share and to give in predictable developmental stages. And despite all the conflicting messages children hear outside the home, parents still play the most important role in shaping their children’s values and character. When 12-13 year-old kids were asked where they learned their values, 84% of them reported that their parents were their most important teachers (YMCA sponsored poll of “Parents & Their Children on Supervision, Values and Sharing,” 1999).
Of course, one of the most frustrating things about being a parent is that we often can’t see how much we are positively influencing our children. Many times it will seem as if our kids aren’t getting the point, and they don’t understand why we are coaching them to be more polite, more generous, and more considerate. What, we wonder, has my young child learned with we take him shopping and prompt him to pick out a nice blue tie to give Grandpa for his birthday? Yet even when our children don’t fully understand what we teach them, while we are teaching them, these experiences have lasting value nonetheless.
Children really do want their parents to model, coach, support, and encourage them to show them how to understand and participate in the complicated cultural ritual of giving gifts to others. All children must go through a process of learning how to live in their family and they want to know how to fit in and participate. There are many social skills, such as giving, that have to be learned and practiced long before the child really “gets it.”
In the meantime, many kids agree that children are eager to learn about giving gifts and can enjoy the experience immensely. Caitlin, aged 14, believes that it is really important for parents to help kids give gifts “as early as possible.” Her sister, Willa, aged 11, especially loves making homemade gifts. One of her favorite memories is surprising her father when she was 8, and her mother had helped her decorate a large gift box to hide in and then jump out of while yelling “surprise!” Other early gifts Willa remembers giving were much less elaborate, such as homemade cards and cookies.
Ten year old Gregory says that it “really helps if parents suggest that kids give gifts to friends and family members.” His sister, Adrianne, aged 8, remembers her parents taking her out when she was little to buy gifts, helping her make things, or encouraging her to draw a picture for a gift. For Gregory and Adrianne, giving gifts is much more than something they do just because they were told to. For Gregory, it is the look on people’s faces when they get their presents and the pleasure of being able to say, “I made this!” Adrianne savors the excitement of getting the gifts, hiding them, and anticipating the recipient’s surprise.
For this holiday season, and throughout the year to come, consider giving your children the gift of participating in making, buying, and giving gifts. Think of it as an investment for the future. For, as Caitlin wisely points out, “if a kid starts giving gifts early, it loosens them up and then they don’t become stingy and scroogy!”
