How do you talk to your child when you want her to get ready, get started, and get going?  Perhaps you are in the habit of mostly talking to your child through questions.  Phrasing requests as questions may seem friendlier than commands.  But it is confusing for children to hear even reasonable requests posed as questions:  “Do you want to…?”  “Are you ready to…?”   “Will you please do such and such?”  Sometimes parents begin by giving clear directions, but then turn it into a question, “We need to get ready—okay?”   “These toys have got to be picked up, okay?”  “It’s time to eat dinner now, okay?”

No wonder children think, “Are you asking me if I want to?  Well then, sometimes at least, the answer is ‘no!’”

You can make your requests both clear and friendly when you say something to your child—ONCE—about what needs to be done according to the particular situation.  “We will be leaving in 10 minutes, now is the time to get ready.”  “There are toys that need to be put away before bedtime.”    “Dinner is served; you are welcome to join us.”

Of course, there will be times when your child isn’t ready to leave in 10 minutes, but that doesn’t mean you have to resort to cajoling and threatening.  Carry the shoes, socks, and coat to the car; she can put them on there if she wants to.  If the toys aren’t put away after one request, then you can put them away for her in the “Saturday Box” (she gets them back on Saturday).  If she doesn’t come to the table to eat dinner before the end of the meal, she can wait until breakfast the next morning.   I know that this may sound harsh, but most parents do not realize how much their children dislike and therefore resist cajoling (nagging) and veiled threats (getting yelled at).  Children really do prefer it when their parents just act, rather than talking and explaining and reminding and yelling and blaming, etc., etc.

Planning and previewing the day’s activities will also create much more cooperation in your family when you involve your daughter.  At breakfast time, for instance, you might start a conversation about the Saturday schedule.  Even a seven-year-old enjoys participating in the discussion about:  “What needs to be done?”  “What is each person willing to do to help out?”  “And, what is our plan for something fun to do?”  “Does anyone have any questions or different ideas?”  With a clear picture of what’s going on early in the day, your daughter will know what to expect and be less likely to protest plans that she had no say in.

Your daughter is sure to enjoy having her say in family plans, because this will seem fair to her.  She can also learn that the practice of fairness in a family means that everyone gets a say, yet no one always gets their way.  When it is Mom’s turn to choose the family fun activity, for instance, she may want to go for a bike ride.  Even if your daughter really hates bike rides, she can still learn to be a reasonably good sport about it.  Just as she enjoys having her say when it’s her turn, she can learn to appreciate the fairness of giving others their turn.  The more your family learns how to practice both fairness and friendliness, the easier everyone will find it to get from “No” to “Yes” and from non-cooperation to friendly and fair cooperation.