From this month’s “Ask Emory” column in the Takoma/Silver Spring Voice Online:

Dear Emory:  I’m worried about my eight-year-old son.  He has never been a fearful child, but recently he has become very anxious about going to school.  He had a pretty bad stomach virus earlier this winter and he threw up in front of everybody in the lunchroom.  This was terribly embarrassing for him, and now, he is very afraid of throwing up again—especially at school.  The doctor says he’s fine, but I think my son is getting himself so worked up that he is actually making himself feel sick. When this happens, he goes to the school nurse who calls me at work to come and get him.  Not long after we get home, he doesn’t feel sick anymore and of course, he doesn’t throw up.  This has been happening more and more often, and I don’t know what to do.

Dear Worried,

I can imagine that your son’s experience of sudden and unexpected illness—especially in front of his friends and teachers—was a very stressful experience for him, both physically and emotionally.

Now, however, your son is experiencing misery of another kind.  He desperately wants to avoid repeating his vomiting experience at school, and has put himself on “high alert” to notice any signs of feeling sick.  His sense of caution has expanded into anxiety—but with help and support, he can learn to calm his thinking and quiet his tummy again.

One way to help your son regain his ability to calm himself, is to pay attention to the way you talk to him when you try to help him calm down.  When kids are worried, grownups automatically tend to say things like, Nothing is wrong!  You’re fine! These messages may help, or at least don’t hurt, much of the time. But when children are feeling very, very anxious, an adult saying Nothing is wrong isn’t helpful.  At times like these, kids know darn well that something is wrong and they are looking for help to figure out what it is and how to fix it. 

What your son can learn is that his brain is a good, smart brain, but sometimes brains get confused and send the wrong signal.  This time, his brain has been confused by worried thinking about throwing up and is sending him the mistaken anxious message, Watch out! You are probably about to throw up! You better get out of here!

You and other caring adults can help your son the most with calm, confident messages that convey the message: Even though you may feel afraid of your fear, I am not. This can be expressed to your son by saying things such as:

  • You aren’t going crazy, you are okay, and you’ll get through this.
  • You don’t feel good right now, but this feeling will pass in a little while.
  • I am willing to help you get through this—we can breathe slowly and relax together.

Fortunately, your son can learn to recognize that the feeling of being afraid of throwing up doesn’t always mean throwing up.  In other words, by learning how to feel more comfortable with discomfort, worry or fear about anything—whether it is throwing up, teasing from classmates, or thunderstorms—your son will learn to become more confident, more resilient, and more courageous about everything. 

If you need more help, contact your child’s pediatrician or a therapist like myself who is experienced in working with children’s fears.  For more information, I also recommend the book, “Freeing Your Child From Anxiety” by Tamar Chansky.