I know that parents are sometimes worried about their children’s play.  I remember being pretty concerned too, when my 4 year old son was playing the “let’s kill all the babies” game at nursery school (I was pregnant with his sister at the time).  Later, my daughter liked to play that she was a hungry orphan without a home or that she was an evil and abusive step-mother victimizing her pathetic step-daughter.  As the daughter of a state child protective services social worker, I wondered if I should turn myself in!

Fear not, kind and loving parents.  Children are learning about kindness and love, even as they play out vicious and cruel themes.  Child development theorists have understood for a long time that children gain mastery through their play.  When your child is pretending to “bake” a mud pie or “build” a fort , it is easy to see the skill development.

Emotional master is also developed through imaginary play.  Children create many, many scary situations to practice how to approach frightening situations, how to problem solve, how to build partnerships with others to face the scary situation, etc.  The wonderful thing about this kind of imaginary play is that the child is IN CONTROL of just how scary the situation is, fine tuning the play to keep it exciting but not overwhelming.

(This is very different from watching tv, films, and video games—which compel the child to watch and deal with intense emotional stories created by others.)

Finally, children also develop their values by creating and practicing moral situations in their imaginary play.  Although they have been taught about kindness, patience, generosity, and gentleness—young children are concrete thinkers who learn best through experience.  Certainly, you’ll see “good guy” values practiced in their play some times.  At other times, you are also likely to see “bad guy” pretend play that is mean, selfish, and cruel.

My theory about this is that children have to pretend through their play to be mean, selfish, and cruel in order to understand what it would be like to be a “bad guy.”  With a concrete understanding of the experiences of being “a bad guy” as well as “a good guy,” children then have the information to really choose what kind of a person they want to be.

Look at your child’s behavior outside of their play to get a sense of how they are developing as a moral person.  If they are mostly kind, often generous, and sometimes gentle—you can see what kind of values they are developing and practicing.  If they are sometimes playing the part of being a mean, selfish, or hurtful person—don’t worry, they are probably just doing their research.

But, just in case you are still worried, here are some signs that your child’s play may be off track:

  • Play that seems “stuck,” always chopping off heads, crashing cars, meanness that is never stopped or overcome.
  • Play that actually hurts others (bites, kicks, hits, etc.) over and over again.  Some hurting is accidental and experimental—but it shouldn’t become habitual.
  • Imaginary cruel play that extends into adolescence, past developmentally appropriate stages.