Many people know someone who is difficult to deal with—it may be a difficult neighbor, a difficult co-worker, or even one of your own difficult family members.  Perhaps this is a person who easily takes offense, who picks arguments, or who seems happiest when everyone is in an uproar.

Just because someone acts this way, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to be this way.  Think of difficult people as people with limitations—people who often have very limited abilities to calm themselves and they may have very limited abilities to deal well with other people in their life.

Some of the problems we encounter when we deal with difficult people are the result of how we react to them.  Defensiveness, arguing back, or even attacking in retaliation may only encourage the difficult person to feel justified in their behavior and to ratchet up their attack.   I realize that we are all human, and going on defense is typical when we are feeling attacked, but defensiveness often makes the situation worse.

Instead of defending yourself, I suggest defusing the situation.  This can be accomplished by using communication skills to maintain your own self-respect and dignity, while showing respect for the difficult person as well.   As you might imagine, using a calm, dignified tone of voice and body language will be just as important as the words you use.

  • Acknowledgement—which is NOT the same as agreement, but is always respectful.

“These hamburgers are terrible, you didn’t cook them right!”

 “Oh, you don’t like the way the hamburgers taste.”

  • Agree with whatever small part you can agree with.

“Only stupid people would vote for that guy.” 

“You may be right.”

  • Agree to disagree, respectfully.

“We don’t have a problem with alcohol in our family!” 

“I understand you don’t think we have a problem with alcoholism in our family, but I see it differently.”

  • Allow the difficult person to have their feelings, while keeping your feelings out of it.

“I just hate the way you always want to do things your way.” 

(This is hurtful and completely untrue, but you set that aside)

“I appreciate your honesty in telling me this.  Are you saying you want to have more of a say about how we do things?”

  • Let them have the last word.

“Okay, I hear what you are saying, you really don’t like that football team.”

“Yeah, they suck.  And if you don’t like them, you’re an idiot!”

“Mmm-hmm.”

What I hope you notice in these examples, is that defusing difficult situations with difficult people is not the same thing as giving up or giving in.  Difficult people often see social relationships as a battle for control or superiority.  They may pick arguments because winning and losing is the only reliable way they know how to interact with other people.

You, however, can avoid getting pulled into a battle by having another goal in mind: maintaining respect equally for yourself and the “difficult person.”  Now, your conversations do not become power struggles.  Difficult people may never become easy—but, with effort, practice, and time, you will learn how to deal with them more easily and successfully.

(This post was adapted from my April column in the online Takoma Voice.)