It can be really hard to listen to two or more people—especially little people whom you love very much–being mean and hurtful to each other.
One of the questions I always begin with when parents complain about their kids’ fighting, is to ask “Did you have any of these troubles fighting with your own siblings when you were a child?” Most parents smile at that point, remembering their own fights with their brothers and/or sisters. The memories are usually just as funny as they are poignant.
A large part of fighting between siblings is always about fun. Teasing and responding can be a familiar and enjoyable part of sibling interaction. It is also good practice for life, to learn how to get “roughed up” a bit, without becoming emotionally or physically overwhelmed. Learning how to fight fairly and to fight for fairness is also an important life skill. Sibling fights are what children do to learn and practice all of these skills: how to ask for what one wants in a way that the other is most likely to agree, how to say “no” and hold one’s ground, how to figure out the “give and take” of life in a family and figure out how to get a fair amount of both giving and taking.
Siblings always fight—that is just a fact of life. Whether those fights remain mostly fun and/or fair is largely influenced by the parents. It is the children’s business how often they fight, how angry or rough the fight gets, and when the fight is over. You can try to influence these three things, but as you may have already discovered, parents have no control over their children’s relationships with each other.
Parents, however, do have their own parenting business to mind to, which is:
- Remind children that they have choices:
- “You can stay in the fight, or you can walk away–you choose.”
- “You can fight with each other, or you can team up to solve the problem–you choose.”
- Sometimes growing children misjudge how physically rough they get in the fight, and someone actually gets hurt. When that happens, it’s often just a mistake, not a sign of growing aggression. You might invite the “hurtful” person to take action to help the “hurting” person—with ice, a back rub, etc. Encourage the “hurtful” person to express their regrets through real actions, not just the often empty words, “I’m sorry.”
- NEVER assume the usual “victim” is completely innocent. They are often the instigator, and younger sibs can learn to be very skillful in triggering the older child’s anger.
- Respect your children’s abilities to manage fairness on their own. It may be rough, it may be noisy, it may be messy—but that’s how learning about relationships often goes. When parents intervene in their children’s fights—even with the best of intentions—they inevitably tip the balance of power to the younger child. The older child is then left with no alternative but to escalate aggression to restore the balance of power!
- Respect your own rights, as parents and as people, to live in an environment that is not overly noisy, chaotic, disrespectful, or dangerous. When the kids are too loud, invite them to leave the room or leave the dinner table. If and when they refuse to leave, then you can step as far away as is safe under the circumstances. (Earplugs are also nice for turning down the volume.) If you are driving in the car, PULL OVER AND STOP. Your children may need a 10 minute stop or a 1 hour stop in order to learn what they need to learn from the experience—follow their lead and give them just as much time as they need. Believe me, the time you invest in this educational experience will be worth your while.
- Occasionally, children fight incessantly with each other as a stress release. If it really seems over the top to you, if the fighting is more often mean and angry and less fun, then you may need to address the root causes of your children’s stress. It often helps, for instance, to simply spend more time with your children, both one on one time and group fun time, to restore the family equilibrium.
