When did our most important annual holiday season become an experience to “survive”? For every magazine or newspaper article focused on “Holiday Treats” and “Family Holiday Fun,” there are more articles about “Surviving Holiday Stress,” “Holiday Survival Kits,” and “Detoxify Holiday Stress.”
Certainly the holidays seem harder because everyone feels like they have less time to spare to create the holiday “magic.” The “to-do” list seems much too long, and sufficient supplies of sleep, money, and time are in chronically short supply.
But I suspect there is another reason why our holidays seem more stressful and less enjoyable each year. It could be that, for many families, every season of the year has become too stressful. Many of us feel there aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish everything that needs to be done. It seems as though our schedules are always filled to the max. When the holiday excitement and build-up are added to an already packed calendar—families feel they’ve been pushed even closer to the edge.
Whenever parents are feeling over-stressed, it is virtually certain that kids are feeling over-stressed as well. Kids respond to excessive stress in much the same way that adults do: they are likely to feel extra irritable, unhappy, and angry. Because children often show their feelings through their behavior, over-stressed kids will find an outlet though more whining, teasing, complaining, bullying, temper-tantrums, and general acting out. Other children who internalize their stress may have more physical symptoms, such as head-aches, stomach-aches, fearfulness, or weepiness.
Since too much stress is such a common complaint these days, you have probably already learned about the many ways parents can help their family handle its stress load—such as encouraging more physical exercise, healthy eating and sleep habits, and helping children with support and coping skills. All of these are useful resiliency habits for children and adults alike, because managing stress is a life-long challenge.
Yet successfully managing stress doesn’t address the root problem: many of our families are simply trying to do too much in too little time. The more outside activities we schedule, the more we have the stress of coordinating competing priorities. Even more importantly, increased scheduled activities mean less free time when we and our children can simply relax.
There are many recent demographic studies that have documented the loss of free time for virtually everyone in our culture. The problem is especially acute for children. One study conducted by the University of Michigan found that children’s free time diminished on average by 12% from 1981 to 1997. The same study found that children’s play time had diminished a whopping 16% over the same time period.
While many extracurricular activities give us something to show for our children’s time, such as trophies, performances and recitals—there is no equivalent measure to show us what has been lost. But I wonder whether what we call “too much stress,” is really simply not enough down time.
As Takoma Park resident Betsy Taylor wrote last year in her book What Kids Really Want That Money Can’t Buy, “Free time is the prerequisite for many things kids say they want that money can’t buy: time to experience nature, be with their parents, enjoy extended family, and help make the world a better place. In the midst of our busy lives, perhaps the most radical thing we can do, both for and with our kids, is to simply stop and do nothing from time to time.”
What Betsy describes as “radical,” is also common sense. If we truly want to ensure that our families have the necessary time to relax and recover from the things that stress us, we adults have to consciously make the tough choices to safeguard our family’s and our children’s free time. This may mean setting limits around the amount of free time that we think is optimal for our family’s health—and guarding that time fiercely! While there may not be much to “show” for that time, you can be sure that your family will be happier, healthier, and more relaxed.
When it comes to stress-proofing your family, the best advice is not to do more, but to do less. Oh, and one thing more…have fun!
