Even the most angelic young children often surprise their parents by being quite selfish and self-centered. After all, parents have unselfishly cared for their young child morning, noon, and night, day after day, year after year. Then the day comes when the parent is sick with the flu and asks his 5-year-old to bring the box of tissues. “Get it yourself!” the child blithely answers, “I’m not your slave!”
In a situation like this, it’s easy to think that your child has grown a heart of stone! Don’t despair: the self-centered preschooler can eventually grow into a warm and generous person. Before that happens, however, the child’s thinking and behavior will go through various transitions as she puzzles out how to meet her own needs as well as what she wants to give to others. It is almost as if Mother Nature intends for us to learn about loving ourselves before we can learn about unselfishly loving others.
Yet the question remains, why are young children so self-absorbed? Why does it take so long for children to learn how to be generous and giving? Some of the answers can be found in the work begun by child behavior pioneers such as Jean Piaget in the 1920s and expanded by Lawrence Kohlberg in the 1950s. What these and other researchers have found is that children’s moral behaviors evolve in developmental stages similar to other behavioral and physical growth stages.
At the big family gathering for the holiday, Carol hands the wrapped gift to 4-year-old daughter Mary Ann and asks her to be the one to present it to her 5-year-old cousin Melanie. Mary Ann knows there is a beautiful new “dress-up” cape in the package, and she looks up defiantly at her mother. Loudly she proclaims: “Don’t wanna give this to Melanie, Mommy. I want it! Melanie can have one of my old dress-ups!” Carol is embarrassed and shocked. “Is Mary Ann turning into a selfish little brat?” she wonders.
Young children, usually up to the age of 4 ½ or 5, firmly believe that what they want is what they should have. It’s not that they don’t like or even love others, but they are mostly unaware of other’s feelings. Mary Ann, in the example above, is genuinely clueless about how her wishes might make her mother or her cousin feel. No amount of lecturing is going to help Mary Ann understand this either. Instead, Carol can empathize with what Mary Ann is feeling, while upholding the rules of polite behavior. (I’m sure you are disappointed, Mary Ann, but this present is for Melanie, not you.)
The examples that parents set in modeling generous behavior, talking about the importance of generosity, and inviting young children to practice generosity are the most valuable lessons for young children. Early and frequent exposure to a value such as generosity will help children grasp it more easily when their more mature moral reasoning develops.
Generosity can be one-to-one or on a larger, community scale. Many non-profit organizations, like the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP), are dependent on both monetary donations and volunteer labor. Children as young as pre-schoolers give of themselves to PEP, working side-by-side with their parents, helping out at the office or at PEP’s annual Self-Sufficiency Fair for families. Some teens volunteer for many hours beyond their school community service requirements. Young children contribute toys they have outgrown, while older children may donate a portion of their allowance. One family gave their “swear jar” money to PEP. Every time someone used a profanity they were required to put money into the jar. (Dad was excused on April 15th.) At the end of the year, the family decided together to donate the fund to PEP in gratitude for helping make them a healthier family.
Grandma beams at 5 ½-year-old Michael. “This is a very nice scarf you gave me, Michael. How did you know I wanted a scarf?” Michael wriggles around on the floor and answers, “Mom told me what to get you.” “Oh, but blue is my favorite color! You must have chosen the blue one.” “No,” Michael admits, “my Mom bought it.” “Well,” Grandma concedes defeat, “it was very nice of you to give it to me.” “That’s okay, Grandma, they told me I had to. What I really wanted to get you was a back-hoe truck,” Michael explains to her helpfully, and scampers off for more cookies.
At around 4 ½ to 5 ½, children tend to believe that “you should do what you are supposed to do.” Children this age like to please adults and are quite willing to be coached about what to say and what to do. A child at this stage will understand that everyone likes gifts, but will have a hard time imagining what a different person might like. This child will tend to think that everyone else would like to have the same thing that he likes a lot.
Parents help children at this stage by reinforcing good manners and other polite behaviors. Once again, it doesn’t help to feel impatient with a young child’s narrow viewpoints. Instead, parents can emphasize setting examples and upholding values related to generosity. Parents can also appeal to the child’s growing sense of fairness, or in other words, teach “it is just as good to give as it is to receive.”
It was 10 pm on the last night of Chanukah and the guests had just departed. Seven-year-old Lily came into the kitchen where her tired parents were cleaning up and talking about the party. Lily stood defiantly in the kitchen with her hands on her hips. “I just counted. You gave Mark 12 presents and you gave me 10. That’s not fair!” Lily’s parents gape at her, their jaws dropping. “What are you talking about…your father and I always treat you two fairly,” her mother tells her. “This is ridiculous!” her father mutters irritably. Lily continues, “I don’t call it fair when I don’t get as many presents as my little brother. You didn’t think I’d count, but I did. And you owe me 2 more presents!”
From about 7 to 8 years old, children are very concrete thinkers. Up is up, down is down, and fair is fair. Children in this stage of development continue to seem totally oblivious to the feelings of others At the same time, these children usually don’t see how their own behavior can seem insensitive or selfish to others, although they are quick to spot any hint of unfairness towards themselves! Therefore, the 7 to 8 year old child tends to think it is perfectly reasonable that job #1 is looking out for herself.
On the other hand, children at this stage do begin to see the point in being nice to people who are nice to them. This is where parents have the most influence, in appealing to the child’s sense of fairness. So, for example, parents can point out that Grandma gives the child a gift every birthday and so the child should remember Grandma’s birthday as well, because “that’s fair.” With Lily the junior accountant, in the example above, her parents might want to draw her attention to the fact that some gifts, especially gifts for older children, cost more money. With her parents’ reassurance that the monetary value of both children’s gifts is equal, Lily should begin to believe that she has been treated fairly by her family.
“Mom! I bought the greatest presents for all my friends, and they’re really neat. I looked a long time to find this scarf for Tony, isn’t it great? And I got these barrettes for Sonya, I know she’ll love them, and this CD for Mike, and this purse for Claire…The only problem is…umm, it all cost more than I thought it would. Now, I don’t have any money to buy presents for the family. What can I do? Can you give me some? Does it really matter if I don’t have a present for Grandpa this year? Do you mind if I skip you, too?”
In late elementary school years and well into the teen years, children tend to focus on “what people will think of me” when they are choosing how to think and behave. That sounds like good news for long-suffering parents, but when these kids think about “people,” it is usually their friends they are most concerned about. The other good news is that, with growing neurological development, young adolescents can really understand the abstract concept of “generosity.” Although, as we see in the example above, this new value is most readily practiced with the child’s peers and is less frequently practiced with family members.
At this stage of moral development, parents can continue to support their children’s growth by remembering the cardinal rule: “Don’t take it personally.” It’s not that these kids don’t love their family; it’s just not the highest priority in their life. Yet, when parents continue to maintain a strong, positive relationship with their children through these years, they exert an enormous influence upon their children’s values.
Along the way, there will be many times you may doubt whether the child who is enthusiastically writing her lengthy holiday wish list will ever become an adult who enjoys giving as much (or more) than receiving. With your help, it will certainly happen. As your child develops, she is naturally seeking to understand who she is, what other people are about, and how she can best fit into her world. We are not born with the ability to give unselfishly to others. Generosity is a choice we make on the basis of the values we have learned and the experiences we have had. As you generously share your values and give your children many opportunities to experience the joy of being gift-givers as well as receivers, they, too, will grow up to be giving people.
