No one can make a 3 ½ year old child care about the importance of washing up, eating at reasonable times, and getting a good night’s sleep. And you are not the first one to face this problem—parents have been complaining about it for years. As Plato reportedly said about 2500 years ago, “What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents…”
In all this time, it would seem as if parents could have figured this problem out, but we are still struggling with it today. Indeed, it seems to be getting harder and harder to make a child care about what needs to be cared about or do what they are told to do. Lectures and reminders fall on deaf ears. Threats and punishment used to work sometimes, but today fewer parents want to carry out their threats to really hurt their children for disobedience (thank goodness). The traditional ways of trying to make children behave just don’t work—which is why you feel so frustrated and ineffective. Fortunately, “Cranky,” your child can learn how to do better, but only if he is taught in a better way.
Respect, for instance, is taught when parents demonstrate self-respect for themselves and equal respect for the child. A parent’s self-respect is shown with a 3 ½ year old by offering choices once, and then calmly following through—without yelling or getting upset. Respect is shown for the child by offering reasonable choices. “It is time for your bath, would you like to get ready by yourself, or would you like me to do it?” (If the child says “no!” then go ahead and act, saying something encouraging like, “I’ll do it this time, and you’ll have another chance to choose for yourself next time.”
Cooperation is taught when parents invite their child to cooperate, rather than trying to make it happen. With a 3 ½ year old, that means an invitation such as, “Dinner is on the table, would you like to join us?” If the child accepts the invitation, great! If not, parents can go ahead and enjoy their dinner alone without feeling upset or disobeyed. Giving choices to children is meaningless if the choice to say, “no,” isn’t allowed. Real cooperation, not just obedience, allows children to make their choices and experience the natural consequences. No dinner=hungry. That’s a useful lesson to learn. Healthy children can miss a meal with no ill effect, and their breakfast will taste that much more delicious the next morning.
Responsibility is taught when parents allow children to be responsible for their own choices. For a 3 ½ year old child, that might mean saying, “you can pick your toys up yourself, or I’ll pick them up. But if I pick them up, they’ll get put away in the ‘Saturday Box’ and you won’t get them back until then.” Some toys will get picked up, sometimes toys won’t get picked up. Whatever. It’s all good and it’s all a good learning experience for your child to learn responsibility through the consequences of his choices.
You are off to a great start as a aparent by caring about your child and caring about doing what’s right for him. Don’t feel discouraged that he doesn’t seem to care about things yet. With time, and with your loving and encouraging lessons, he will certainly learn to care about respect, cooperation, and responsibility.
