Marcus is sitting in the back of class passing notes back and forth to his buddy.  His teacher is describing an assignment that will be due next week, but Marcus isn’t paying attention.  He is more interested in making his classmate laugh at his jokes than in hearing what the teacher is explaining.

Mom and Marcus walk in the door together after a long day.  Mom asks Marcus, “Do you have any homework?”  “Nah,” replies Marcus, “they didn’t give me any today.”  Mom is puzzled, because this is the third time this week Marcus hasn’t brought home any homework.  She heads to the phone to call a neighbor who has a daughter in the same class and learns about several assignments due this week.  When she challenges Marcus, he innocently proclaims, “It’s not my fault!  I didn’t know I was supposed to do that!  I never heard the teacher give out those assignments!!”

Marcus sits at the table with his books and fidgets with his pencil.  He looks at the page and sighs, stretches, and reaches down to pat the dog.  “To heck with it,” thinks Marcus, “I’m not in the mood.”  As Marcus heads down to the rec room to play video games, he thinks, “Maybe I’ll feel like it after dinner!”

Mom and Dad face Marcus grimly across the table.  His interim grades are lying on the table between them, and Marcus has received several C’s and D’s.  “What happened?  Why did you earn a D in Math and a C in English, Marcus?”  “I dunno,” says Marcus blankly, his face a picture of innocent confusion.  Mom and Dad launch into a long talk about why Marcus should be concerned and what exactly he needs to do to bring his grades back up.  Marcus sits silently while his parents talk.  It is all too obvious he is just waiting for them to finish so he can leave.

Marcus’s Mom and Dad are becoming very concerned.  In elementary school, Marcus did well on his report cards.  They know he is bright and capable of doing the work in the sixth grade.  His hearing and vision have been recently checked by the pediatrician, and his teachers have not discerned any learning disabilities.  Consultations with school guidance counselors have not revealed that Marcus has any obvious problems with depression or unusual stress.

But this year, in his first year of middle school, Marcus seems to have seriously fallen off track.  His parents have tried meeting with the teachers, are considering hiring tutors, and have begun sitting with Marcus while he does his homework, to keep him from wasting time.  They have even begun offering him cash rewards for good grades!  Marcus seemed interested at first, until he calculated how many A’s he would have to receive before he has enough money for the new bike he wants.  It looked too hard, so he gave up on that effort.

Marcus’s parents are especially concerned because their son does not seem at all motivated to improve his grades.  They’ve tried giving him goals, but the more they talk to him about future college and career plans, the more apathetic he becomes.  They had hoped he would be inspired to do as well as his older sister, who is an excellent student.  But Marcus seems to be determined to follow his own path, even though it is far below what he is capable of.  Marcus’ parents are completely baffled—what more can they do to make their son do better in school?

Parents of preadolescents often feel they are caught between a rock and a hard place.  On one hand, the middle-schooler wants more independence and less supervision.  On the other hand, it is all too clear that many preteens are unwilling to be fully responsible for and self-disciplined about their school work.  The latest research in neuroscience shows that the adolescent’s developing brain, as well as surging hormones, are to blame.  During the rapid physical and emotional maturation of preadolescence, the parts of the brain responsible for recklessness and mood swings are in hyper-drive.  The executive functions of the brain’s cerebral cortex, which allow for mature planning, reasoning, and problem solving, won’t be fully mature until the end of adolescence and early adulthood.  The important news for parents of kids like Marcus is that brain development is driven by experience.  The more opportunity adolescents have to practice planning, reasoning, and problem solving, the better they will get at it.

Certainly many parents of middle-schoolers have had experiences similar to Marcus’ parents.  Just at the point at which grades are beginning to matter for future college admissions, preadolescents are more likely to resist feeling pressured to perform.  Parents often respond with alarm when they see their child’s promising school performance begin to take a nose dive, and worry that their child’s future success is in jeopardy.    Kids frequently react to the increased parental pressure by becoming even more irresponsible, apathetic, and less motivated.  These underachievers seem to be determined to prove that no one can make them succeed or want to succeed in school!

This is exactly what is happening in Marcus’ family.  For the best of all possible reasons, Marcus’ parents take more and more responsibility for Marcus’ school work.  Their love for their son, as well as their worries for his future, leads them to try harder and harder to motivate their son and to make him improve his grades.  Unfortunately, the results are just the opposite of what they are striving for.  As Mom and Dad take more and more responsibility for Marcus’ work, Marcus takes less and less responsibility for his own work.

Lately Mom and Dad notice that Marcus’ favorite phrase has become “it’s not my fault!” Marcus blames his friends for distracting him, his parents for not helping him, his teachers for not explaining something, and everyone for forgetting to remind him!  Even when his parents drive back to the school to pick up the missing textbook, e-mail the teacher for the forgotten assignments, and sit by Marcus’ side to make sure he completes his assignment, Marcus can still “forget” to turn the assignment back into the teacher!

Marcus’s parents decide they need to take a new approach to helping their son with his school work.  Now that Marcus has is becoming a young adolescent, he is developmentally ready to take responsibility for his own choices and behavior.  This means, in effect, that Marcus must become more his own boss and set his own goals and develop his own plan to reach those goals.  When Marcus feels more in charge of himself, he will begin to feel personally accountable for his own success and failure.

Giving up control over their children’s goals and work is a very hard step for parents to take.  It can be especially difficult for parents to give up trying to control the situation when they see their child failing in school.  But the power struggles over school work will not end until Marcus believes he is working toward his own goals, and not his parents’ goals.

It is reassuring to parents when they realize that virtually every child chooses school achievement goals for themselves that are very similar to what the parent would wish for the child.  In the few cases where children choose remarkably lower goals for themselves, it is often because they are testing the parent to see how they will react.  In other situations, the child may not set a higher goal because they are afraid of the disappointment of failure.  In this situation, setting and achieving a more modest goal initially builds the confidence to aim for higher goals later.

Education experts have found that most students are not consistently motivated by competition, rewards, or the desire to prove themselves to others—including their parents.  Research has consistently found that the children who are the most successful students are those who challenge themselves.  When parents let themselves trust their middle-schoolers to take over responsibility for setting and working toward their own goals, they are laying the best possible groundwork for their child’s future growth and success.

How will Marcus’ parents begin to put their son in charge of his own school work?  The first thing they do is to make a deal with their son: they promise to stop nagging, reminding, yelling, and complaining about grades, homework, and school.  In exchange, they ask Marcus to promise to be completely honest with them and with himself about his school work.  Marcus wasn’t sure about that second part, but he agreed to go along with them (for a while at least!) because he liked the idea of no more parental nagging and yelling!

The next step for Marcus’s parents is to ask their son to set his own goals for his next report card and to develop a plan for how he intends to reach those goals.  In the past, Marcus’ parents had been emphasizing their displeasure when Marcus has disappointed them.   Now, the emphasis is on Marcus to succeed or fail toward his own goals.  As Marcus develops his new study plan, Marcus’s parents ask their son very specific questions about how his choices and behaviors will lead to either the success or failure of his plan.  Before, Marcus was vague about what he needed to do to improve his schoolwork.  With his new plan, Marcus is encouraged to think specifically about his work.  In order to earn the B he would like to receive in math, how often will Marcus need to complete his homework?  How much time will he schedule to do his homework?  What time will he start his homework?  What will he do if he is confused or doesn’t understand his homework?

In their new role of “educational consultants,” Mom and Dad monitor whether or not Marcus follows his plan.  Daily, they check in with him about what grades he has received and what assignments were given out.  With new assignments, they ask their son to choose the grade that he would like to receive and what plan he has to work toward that goal.  When they notice him procrastinating rather than starting homework, they stick to their promise not to nag, but they ask Marcus, “Are you choosing success or failure for yourself and your school goals?”  When it is put that way, Marcus usually chooses to get to work!

Marcus was initially suspicious when his parents suggested that he take charge of setting his own school achievement goals and make his own plan for doing his work.  With practice, though, he enjoyed his new-found sense of personal responsibility—and he enjoys seeing his grades improve as well!  Marcus’s parents also enjoy their new role of encouraging Marcus as well as their delight in seeing him become a more responsible and self-disciplined young man.  Their new system isn’t perfect, of course, and Marcus’ school career still had its ups and downs, but it is now clear to all who is in charge when it comes to Marcus’s homework!

PARENTING TIPS to help children with homework skills

Parents’ Responsibilities:

  • To establish and model the values of the family regarding school, work, and self-discipline.
  • To provide a good environment for school work and learning.
  • To provide training in time-management and other work skills as needed.
  • To refrain from nagging, yelling, reminding, etc.
  • To maintain a positive attitude and belief in the child’s ability to ultimately succeed.
  • To accept the child’s short-term and long-term goals for school achievement.
  • To ask for daily report from child about classes, assignments, and grades.

Child’s Responsibilities:

  • To be honest and truthful.
  • To establish personal academic goals and a daily plan for reaching those goals.
  • To accept responsibility for own choices and behavior.
  • To keep track of own school materials and assignments.
  • To accept responsibility for own successes and failures.
  • To take the steps to recover from failures, learn from mistakes, and try again.