Setting and upholding limits may be the toughest job of being a parent. It wasn’t my favorite part of being a Mom, and I can understand if you don’t like it either. But children really need to learn to live with reasonable and respectful limits as an important part of learning how to live well with themselves and others.
Of course, children are always going to test limits, too, just as you might push on a balcony railing to see if it is strong enough to trust. But that testing is minimized when you state your limits clearly and firmly, showing your child that you, too, are strong enough to trust.
Many parents talk way too much when they try to get their children to agree with their limits (and feel good about it!). But, when children hear too many explanations, entreaties, and suggestions they are often confused into thinking that you are willing to engage in a whole conversation with them about what they want. Too may explanations, in other words, sets the stage for the arguments that follow.
A simple, firm, “no” with a deeper than usual voice and a resolute expression on your face will convey that you “say what you mean, and mean what you say.”
Let’s remember that it’s reasonable for children to feel irritated with all the limits they have to live with. How could it not be irritating to always be at the mercy of someone else’s schedules, priorities, whims and opinions?
“Can I have a cookie?”
“Not now.”
“Can I go to Joey’s house?”
“No, we have other plans.”
“Can I watch TV?”
“Of course not! You should go outside and play!”
You can make limits much less irritating for you and your children by planning more and involving them in the process. As the parent, you can say how many cookies, play-dates, and TV watching you are willing to agree to overall. But within your limits, invite your children to work with you to plan a fair and reasonable snack schedule, play-date plan, and TV watching agreement.
Then, when they ask, “Can I have a cookie?” you can cheerfully answer, “I don’t know, what does the snack schedule say?” Or when they say, “Can I go to Joey’s?” you can reply, “Hmm, according to the calendar, he is coming here tomorrow!” And when they beg to watch TV, you can refer to the agreement you wrote together and posted on the refrigerator about TV time.
I appreciate that this pre-planning and working out agreements ahead of time may sound like a lot of work, but it will be much less trouble than dealing with continuous fussing, complaining and negotiating.
Maybe you feel angry when your children test your limits because you feel as if they do not respect you. This problem is solved with planning and making agreements in advance by restoring respect to the process for both you and your children. You experience the self-respect of setting and upholding firm and friendly limits. Your children enjoy their own self-respect by having a say, even though they don’t always get their way.
Naturally, upholding limits isn’t going to be easy and pleasant every time. There will be times when your children want to change the schedule or give up on the agreements, and they may beg you and bug you to do so. But if you have a regular planning and problem solving forum set up, like a weekly family meeting, then that is the time to revisit and discuss changing schedules and agreements.
